Kudos, bouquets and giving appreciation

Whew!  March was one busy/ stressful month.  Well, not that stressful.  That is really the surprising part.  In my last post, I described the "re-e-ally bi-i-i-ig" (as Ed Sullivan would say) things I had going on. And now they are all finished - the workshops, the banquet, the materials re-write.   Everything worked out well, which is what I expected to happen, and I feel that for the most part I did a good job. Not perfect, but very good, and certainly good enough.  Not too long ago I would not have handled all that so calmly.  I think my confidence level must be improving or I COULD NOT have been so calm.  Maybe I am beginning to think that what I do IS good enough.  What a concept!   A huge thank-you to the people who give me such great encouragement all the time.  Mostly you probably don't know how much I appreciate it, or what a difference it has made to me.  You will know who you are, I think.

 I believe in the statement: "there is not enough love in the world."  Not nearly enough.  I read an article once that said something like this: Every person needs 10 positives for every negative to feel happy and confident.  That probably wasn't exactly it, but it was along those lines.  That means 10 compliments for every criticism or put-down. I think the world isn't like that. Mostly people get 10 negatives for every positive.  In the workshop I do about dealing with difficult people, I encourage people to try to make a difference in the world by smiling at others, thanking them, recognizing their accomplishments, taking cookies to people just to tell them you appreciate them.  There is way too little of that.  I once taught primary under a Primary President who came into my classroom nearly every time after Primary to tell me how much she appreciated the work I did.  I don't know if I did that great a job, but one thing is certain, I will never forget her and she certainly made a difference to  how I felt about the job I did.

About 10 years ago, Jim was the bishop of the High River Ward.  At first people told me that this made me the "mother" of the ward.  That was not true, and I told them so. The mother of the ward was the Relief Society president. I was merely the wife of the bishop.  However, one day I was standing in the lobby waiting for the bishop to finish his bishop stuff so we could go home.  I happened to glance across the lobby at a woman who was standing there by herself.  As I noticed her, a little voice whispered to me that she really needed the "bishop's wife" to come and talk to her.  I inwardly shrugged but admitted that this would take very little effort on my part - you know, in terms of cost/benefit, the cost to me was small and maybe the voice was right and the benefit to her would be substantial. Even though I didn't think I was that important, maybe she did.   When I talked to her, she perked up considerably and as we talked I learned that she was having a hard time and was lonely.  We had a nice conversation, I got to know her better, and I was able to be a friend to her on a different level.  I also learned that even though I knew that I was not important, an effort on my part to act as if other people were important WAS important.  From that moment, I tried to really notice people, smile at them, and take opportunities to be positive and appreciative.  A well-deserved compliment certainly makes as great a difference to other people as it makes to me.

I learned an important lesson a few years ago that is related to this.  People don't need criticism.  A person who to be really out of it not to notice when they have made a mistake. And generally people are trying their best to do a good job and not mess up.  This lesson was particularly in relation to members of my family.  I somehow just "got" this one day.  Even my children could figure it out when they had made a mistake without me going on about it. As a result of this enlightenment, I totally stopped pointing out their mistakes.  Sometimes I did a little problem solving with them, but the "you should have been more careful, smart, or wise" lecture that point out how 'dumb' they had been stopped happening.  The interesting thing about this is that generally, the mistakes got lessened instead of increasing as a result of my keeping my mouth shut. Some things that really drove me crazy just stopped happening.  I don't really understand the dynamics of that, I only know that is what happened.

One time when I forgot, David said to me, "You know Mom, I know it's making you feel better to go on and on about this, but really, I get it."  I knew he did.

I was raised in a family where recognition was pretty scarce and even the smallest mistakes were noticed, and lest we become arrogant, commented on. I don't think the result of that contributed to my success. I don't think I ever made a mistake I wasn't totally aware of myself, or didn't wish I had been smarter. Maybe the right approach with me when I made mistakes would have been reassurance and encouragement rather than criticism.  

So maybe people don't really need ANY negatives.  Who woulda thought?  Maybe husbands and children really can just raise themselves without us.  They just need us to love them and think they are wonderful, and not notice anything else, ever.  Maybe that is what EVERYONE needs.  Who woulda thought?